There was fear. There was always fear. Fear of disappointment. Fear of loss. And most importantly, fear that the forward progression that a privileged life has given me would stop. But in my 41 years on this earth, the forward progress has never stopped. And if it did, it did so to take a much bigger step forward. But, there was always fear that inevitably lead to stress, like an unfillable hole waiting to consume my confidence. I disguise it well. But, it is always there. So, how do I overcome this fear? I guess starting to write a blog about it is one way.
A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, an acquantance that I met a long time ago through work recommended a book called the The Surrender Experiment, by Michael A. Singer. My friend was chatting me that it was "earth shattering" and making him want to get back into meditation.
Over the past 8 years, I have been drawn to meditation. I have not been good about keeping a steady routine, but I have been experimenting with several different practices. In 2012, I got myself a TM mantra, which I mostly utilized for creative ruts. Last year I signed up for a class to teach me how to shamanic journey and astral project, but I barely started the class. And this past New Year, I spent 10 days doing a silent Vipassana meditation retreat, swearing that I would meditate 2 hours a day. Once I got back into the real world, I only last 5 days. So, I am open to meditation and secretly long for enlightenment, but I am too wrapped up in capitalism for it to be effective.
It should be stated that through the years, people have given me spiritual books and advice about finding myself in the larger universe. I have always been grateful to these people for thinking that I was someone more special than I am, and then carried on with my life. But, to have this work acquaintance, out of the blue, contact with the advice to read that book made me stop and not carry on with my life. I don't want to carry on anymore the same way that I always have been.
There is a virus out there killing hundreds of thousands, soon to be millions of people and we are just supposed to go back to business as usual? I've pretty much had it. I will continue to deliver as an editor and contract worker for my clients, as I always have done. But, now I have a new mission in life. That is to know myself and to understand the bigger path ahead. When I was 16 years old, what you could consider a spiritual mentor gave me the book "Paramahansa Yogananda: Autobiography of a Yogi". I never read it. It was just too heavy for me at the time. The Surrender Experiment has brought that book into my life once again. This time in a frame of mind that not only open to it, but longing for it.
This blog will a place where I hold myself accountable for the journey towards enlightenment. Maybe I will even throw in a couple movie review blogs from time to time. But, I am officially putting myself on a spiritual journey to find my true purpose and tap into my creativity on a level I hope to soon understand. I hope those wonderful people who tried to guide me on this path in the past will still be there, now that I am finally ready. It's time to truly understand the force and how to use it to understands the nature of all things.